When we first signed my oldest up for soccer at age 4, I was excited to step into my soccer mom era. I had purchased his new tiny cleats, shin guards, and the requisite 2 soccer balls, he had his official jersey with my high school number and our last name on the back. I’m a planner. I had made sure we had everything we needed for the first day and that he looked the part, and yet… we were late to the first practice. Sure, people (especially parents of small children) run late. But here’s the thing: we lived directly across the street from the soccer field… and we were consistently late for every practice for that entire season. I couldn’t understand how I kept failing to get it together to give us enough time to make it the 70 feet to the soccer field. All my friends with children in the same program who lived miles away managed to be there on time every week. I found myself starting off my greetings to them each Saturday morning with self-deprecating comments each time: “As always, we couldn’t get our sh*t together this morning.” I know that showing up late to pre-school sports practice isn’t going to have serious consequences for my kids’ futures, but at the same time, I want to model positive behaviors to them like responsibility and respect for other people’s time.
It's 3 years later, and I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m not showing up for my children the way that other parents do. We’re still late to most activities, and even though I’m a planner, I always struggle to execute those plans, and I fall short of my own expectations. Why don’t I have the bandwidth to volunteer when parent chaperones are needed? Why don’t I read parenting books instead of just winging it? Why can’t I prioritize making these changes for the benefit of my children and for myself? Where are the holes in my parenting practices that I don’t even realize I’m missing? As I’m writing this, I’m making a mental note that I wanted to make sure my son could ride a bike without training wheels and tie his own shoes before this point, and that I really need to get on top of those milestones.
I know I’m not alone here. So many of us fall into the comparison trap, both as mothers, and just generally as human beings living in the age of social media where we constantly see the highlight reels of others’ lives. And we KNOW this. We’re intellectually aware of this trap, yet we still can’t give ourselves the grace that we give to others. I’ve been on the other side of this, too. My same child who doesn’t ride a bike or tie his own shoes at 7 was reading at age 4. (He never became that preschool star athlete, but man, does that kid love a book!) I have friends whose other 2nd graders still struggle with reading, and I’m hesitant to share my own child’s success because I know what it feels like to feel like you’re not doing enough for your kid. And the thing is I would NEVER judge another parent whose child is struggling in any area. I know it's not a reflection of their parenting, and I think of all of my friends as amazing parents, but it feels impossible to view myself in the same light.
Why do we fall into this trap? Well, the stakes are high. We’re responsible for these lives we brought into the world, and we want the best for them. Most of us don’t intuitively know what we’re doing as parents, and we literally need guidance from others who are learning how to do it as well. Maybe instead of comparing ourselves to one another to highlight our shortcomings, we can be inspired by each other. We can reach out to each other for help when we need it instead of feeling embarrassed and isolated when we feel like we don’t stack up. When the comparison starts to hurt more than help, that’s when it becomes unhealthy. I need to let go of the feelings like shame that come up for me when my house is a mess when another child comes over because I’ve seen their house, and it’s immaculate.
The feelings of inadequacy get to me all the time, but ultimately, I feel like I’m doing the right thing by protecting my energy, not overextending myself, and prioritizing the snuggling over the cleaning. The most important thing for me is to not let the comparison get too intrusive because along with treating others with kindness, the number one thing that I want to model for my children is healthy self-esteem and kindness to myself.